She is ragin

She is ragin

And the storm blows up in her eyes

U2

I have no words, I have too many words. I have hopes, a wondering heartbeat. I have callouses on my hands from kettlebells. I have purple circles under my eyes and a fridge full of carefully packed meals. I have an amorphous list of things to do and a discrete number of hours to bill.  I have legs that want to stretch out and run.  I have a mind that wants to take a nap and read all the books.  I long for sunshine and fresh air that shocks your eyes.  I want to take this computer and throw it out the window.  I want all the things and there is never an end to all the wanting.

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Abba Father

The Cry to God as ‘Father’
in the New Testament
is not a calm acknowledgement
of a universal truth about
God’s abstract fatherhood.
It is the Child’s cry
out of a nightmare.

It is the cry of outrage,
fear, shrinking away,
when faced with the horror
of the ‘world’
– yet not simply or exclusively
protest, but trust as well.

‘Abba Father’
all things are possible
to Thee …
Rowan Williams

From the Morning Prayer, August 3, 2014, Northumbria Community Daily Office

end of the age

“I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they’ve shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened.”  – Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

 

Ninety Minutes Closer

We crash through our days and hasten our end.  Church is over.  Good.  The violin recital for beginners is over.  Good.  The committee meeting is over.  Good.  But now I’m ninety minutes closer to being dead than I was when the idiot who can’t run a meeting called it to order.  And with each passing day, heavy and muggy and humming with mosquitoes, we step nearer the edge. — Jason Peters @ FPR

Another day. What have I become?  “Dear God who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.”

doubt

Love me, love me, say that you love me

My head hurts, There’s a roaring in my ears. But I don’t have time for this, I can’t make time because when I stop it will all fall down, and what if I can’t piece it all back together?  I know I can’t.

Pull it together, wipe your tears, put the lid back on.  Remember to be grateful, and take your finals. Someday everything will be ok.  Someday. 

You’re rich in love and You’re slow to anger / Your name is great and Your heart is kind
Bless the Lord, oh my soul

a journey

“It was a long journey. The wind’s voice changed, became harsher, colder. It began to smell of sea instead of light-soaked stone or earth. The moon grew full, then slowly pared itself down until it shriveled into a ghostly boat riding above the roiling dark. Then it fell out of the sky. They climbed into it, left land behind, and floated out to sea.”

Patricia A. McKillip, Song for the Basilisk

April Showers

Forever

Not a day less will do

From you

-Ben Harper

Listening to the rain fall in the alley. the sound of my neighbors’ harmonies has died away. I wonder what their songs said? we stopped and listened to them for a few moments. i am used to angrily blocking the car alarms and shouted conversations from my upstairs apartment. neighbors, tonight i appreciate you.

Finals. In just two weeks, I will be 1/3 through this adventure called law school. Two weeks after my last final, I will begin the adventure called marriage. Here is how I know how i have grown– two years ago i could not even have contemplated entering into the permanacy of a year-long lease. Perhaps one’s ability to make forever commitments (or in the case of school, expensive ones) is not the best way to track her progress into maturity. A better rubric is probably one’s ability to keep her promises… but give her time. Commitments can’t be kept until they are made.

i want almost nothing more than to fall asleep with my wandering mind, open window, and the fresh smell of the night, to take advantage of my neighbors’ rare silence, but my property book glares at me with its red face and i remember that this will be worth it. all of the planning and the studying and the crying and the library-ing and the deliberation over table-cloths, and the panic over the forgotten details and the lonely nights with the computer will be over soon. rainclouds pour themselves out and the morning shines bright. i am doing my best to walk with no regrets out of that last final and down the aisle towards my best friend. Forever is close.

Traveling

“In one sense we are always traveling, and traveling as if we did not know where we were going.

In another sense we have already arrived.

We cannot arrive at the perfect possession of God in this life, and that is why we are traveling and in darkness. But we already possess Him by grace, and therefore, in that sense, we have arrived and are dwelling in the light.

But oh! How far have I to go to find You in Whom I have already arrived!”

Thomas Merton

 

Seismic shifts in my heart.

I never thought this would happen to me. What the heck. Remind me sometime that it’s there are times when it is possible to go an entire day without an epiphany, in case I ever want to go back to those days. But it’s too late; I can’t go back. And really I never want to.

What is there to say really? Probably just what we all come to understand with a certain gravity: that grace upon grace has been given to me, that I need it all desperately, and that the more grace He gives the more apparent and shocking is my need for it. That’s about all.

Breathe

So we have come to know

and to believe

the love that God has for us.

God is love,

and whoever abides in love abides in God,

and God abides in her.

1 John 4:16

a stitch in the side

Something, something
You think you got something
Something to show
For all that hellbent letting go

TWJ

and come hell or high water she said, don’t forget what it means to hang on to all that is good and real, and

remember that it might look like ripping and dropping and not watching the fall because you are already too far away to see

(keep running)

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